Sunday, June 28, 2015

Life's alternate ending - another dream diary entry

I had a dream last night where I walked and talked with my friend Jen, who died over a year ago.  She had a long up and down battle with cancer beforehand and it was hard to watch her go.  It was an emotional time amongst our high school classmates as we sent cards and messages, gifts and facebook comments.  She responded back and it was sad to slowly watch her drifting out, but we got in our goodbyes.

Last night in my dream she and I were walking in our hometown and I asked why she was here, alive now.  She said that this was the "alternate ending" if she had been cured of the cancer for the time and was back to living her regular life.

our family hike this weekend 

As she and I walked along the neighborhood streets some of our classmates approached.  Both guys and girls made some frustrated comments in her direction.  I couldn't make out distinct words but the feeling of their jeers were frustration that she wasn't giving enough back to them.  They wanted the "original Jen" who did things for them that they were used to and made their lives more convenient and fun.

She told me that although she no longer had cancer it had changed her body and she was barely keeping herself going, so she couldn't give them what they needed.  We walked slowly and talked gently about this change and about people's expectation.

I was still thinking about it as I awoke to my spasming arm and weak hand.  I woke up to the remembrance that the lawn needed mowed.  I told Casey:  We need to talk.  And then I totally submitted to my broken pride in announcing that I can no longer mow the lawn.  It's hard to explain how it was one of my last bastion of normalness and independence.

Sure, I still cook and clean, and bathe and clothe, but that just makes me your everyday housewife :).  And man, my pride wants to deny that that is my life's work.  Mowing the lawn and working outside proved something, I thought, related to saving money from hiring someone else, or making me an independent woman...or something.

But back to waking up.  When I wake up I remember what is really going on with my body.  I have been having intense muscle spasms on only the right side of my body.  They are happening in my neck, my face, my shoulder, above the elbow, on the back of my upper arm, at the front of my lower arm, in my hip, in my thigh, in the back of my calf, around my ankle.  You get the freaking picture, right?  I have soreness and tough little knots from them.  I go to the Dr tomorrow and I'm almost nervous to explain my symptoms because those muscle spasms are EVERYWHERE --- but just on the right side.

Next, I'm starting to lose grip strength in my hands and dropping a lot of stuff with my right side.  I also have tingles that run down the front of my face right under my skin, just on the right side.  That has only happened twice but I am noting it since it's part of the "all on one side" theme.  As I walk along the path of seeking healthcare and watching my own physical decline, I think this dream had some instructive themes for me.

  1. We all have a different path.  Jen's is just as valid as mine or another winding health fluctuation path.  She has her path, her lessons, and her legacy and I don't need to bemoan or regret hers since I don't have the all the answers of what happens when we die.  It feels callous to say there is good in her path, but if her soul is still existing on some plane she may have had say in how it went and may feel it was the best ending.
  2. I am still worthy of love and belonging as my skills and abilities change.  In the dream I wanted to correct Jen and her naysayers to let them know we LOVED having her here and just being able to BE with her.  I wanted all those people to drop their expectations of what they wanted from her and just embrace that she was there!  The others didn't know the alternate ending that I did from "real life" which was her death we experienced.  That perspective made me think about being gentle with myself and the value of my life, with or without the contributions people are used to having from me.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Getting out in the RV

I love the hope in the first

We bring our little "Majic" home

for the sunny, warm days

of summer.

The dirty, adventurous, READY days
of summer.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Big Blonde Hair

I haven't done an unnatural color in my hair in like a month.  I KNOW!  Talk about self-restraint ;).  I'm actually trying to grow my hair out because I feel most "me" with light blonde hair and I've really wanted to have more of it to do bigger hairstyles.

I thought I'd gather up some style ideas to keep me inspired to grow it out and give me ideas when I have enough of it to GO BIG!

Sunday, June 21, 2015

I Dream of Italy

Some ideas and feelings and dreams are so personal it is scary to share them.  Maybe because I fear they won't be handled with the tender feelings they are felt about inside me.  However, I think sharing is one of the best things I can do with my time on earth and I love people so I will tell you about my dreams :)

I've had a few vivid dreams lately but the one with the most lasting impact was my dream of Italy.  Now at the time, I wasn't thinking "gee, I'm in Italy."  I was simply feeling a lot of happiness and enjoying my life.  In particular the day of my dream we had been driving through steep mountain countryside, in the green valley and traveled to a couple of different friends' houses.  We enjoyed time with these friends, I spent some time discussing private things in a bedroom with a close friend, but also playing with and hanging out with their whole family in their living room.  Later we were back at the townhouse type place we lived and I ran over to a neighbor's house to borrow something.

What gripped me in that dream was two feelings:  1.  That I was loved and happy and 2.  That we needed each other - those of us that were my friends in that foreign land.  There was nothing particular about the culture or where we were I just knew the whole time it was Italy.  I have no idea where that came from because I haven't really had any desire to go anywhere foreign, and I've never traveled off this continent.  I really do not know where it came from.  But the feelings it invoked haven't gone away so I've been doing more reading about Italy and especially looking at pictures.  When I see scenery like what was in my dream it makes my heart leap.  I thought I'd post a few of the photos I found online that resemble what I dreamed about.

One funny thing is I didn't know there were mountainous parts of Italy.  All I had seen are seaside resorts so I guess I just assumed there wasn't mountains.  My dream made me curious if the beautiful scenery really existed, so I've read about the dolomites.  I learned some new geography but I also gained more curiosity and attention to the bigger world out there.  I often get discouraged about the little struggles I have here in this area, in this stage of my life and it was nice for dreamland to transport me somewhere else.  Only in one other instance have I looked at something and felt a heart-pounding realization that I knew it before and it was a big part of my life somehow and it was nice to have that spiritual connection again.


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